Learning Through Loss

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I knew it was over three days before it happened. I started crying right in the middle of a concert — somehow knowing that the words sung would be those I would remember you by. I’ve yet to figure out how to dissolve a bad premonition — no matter how you might fight them or push them away, they always come true.

You were miracles… so much so that, while I began to sense your existence, the doctor thought otherwise — prescribing medication (without completing a single test) that would treat my pregnancy symptoms as an illness I didn’t have — medication that would have killed you even sooner. Thank goodness I’ve grown smart enough to not listen to doctors. I only wish that they’d take the time to actually listen to me.

I would have done a lot differently if I’d known about you then. I’d have eaten even better. Rested. Cut down on work. Gotten you the care you needed to thrive. We should have been given that chance.

Ours will be remembered as really happy days — the whirlwind that they were. Finding out I was pregnant. Kind-of finding out you were twins (I don’t know if I ever really absorbed that shock while you were…). It was the most frightening thrill I’ve ever gotten in my life.

Then, with the most sorrowful howl I’ve ever heard emerge from a living being, it was all gone. I got my real-life apocalypse scene, straight from some B-rated horror script. Spent Thanksgiving in the pouring rain with your dad, standing over your stuffed animals in memoriam. And that was goodbye.

Friends say they are surprised by my sadness. Some have lost their unborn babies, grieved them in a day, and moved on to get back to mothering those they already have. They’re just able to forget.

I can’t say I know how that works. I can’t achieve that. I’m not sure if “love” is even an adequate word to describe what I felt for the both of you — and I don’t know how to just be without that. It leaves me lonely.

To me… you’re worth remembering. You were my babies. And, while it’s gotten easier to face the days and pretend I’m okay… I can’t ever imagine not feeling your loss.

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“Just one thing, before you go.
Just one thing that you’ve got to know…
No one has ever touched me that way.
The way that you did that very first day…

I loved you then. I guess I’ll love you forever.
And even though I know we can never stay together.
I think about what could have been.
If we could just start all over again.

And I… I’ll never be the same without you here.
I’ll live alone. Hide myself behind my tears.
No I… I’ll never be the same without your love.
I’ll live alone. And try so hard to rise above.”

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